It wasn't the effing couch!

“It wasn’t the fucking couch...”

I was married in 2009 + quickly learned what being an Army wife was all about. Not only did I learn that in the military I come second, but my ex husband often put me third, forth, fifth, etc.

One time I broke down in tears because all I wanted for our home was a new couch, rather than the $10 pale pink one we got from the second hand store, meanwhile he was spending thousands on “rare art” wh

ile scoffing at my pain of feeling really unseen.

What I learned was, it wasn’t the fucking couch, it was that my wants + needs were dismissed daily, which labeled them as inconvenient.

I had 2 great careers I left to follow + support him. I lost myself. I lost my spark. I settled.

Settling was a habit of mine anyway, but somehow living away from my entire support system made it easier to accep

t feeling empty because, “I have a house, car, food on the table, and I have no real reason to feel unhappy.”

Settling is sneaky because it’s often masked by the things we were taught to be grateful for, so then we feel guilt for wanting our life to be different, for wanting to FEEL MORE.

We stuff our truth down, until we begin to smother our spark, + settle in deeper for a “nice life” despite how empty a lot of it may feel.

When we divorced I asked to have ONE of the 3 houses we acquired, and ONE of the 3 cars, and his response was, “You deserve nothing, you did nothing to monetarily contribute to this relationship, and you’ll get nothing.”

His words cut deep. He w

anted me to feel like I was nothing and he achieved.

What I learned was, he was mirroring back to me a very deep wound that I didn’t know existed…

He was mirroring back to me where I didn’t value myself, felt like nothing, and he only achieved in hurting me because I, too, felt that way about me…

not logically of course, logically I loved myself, but my past wounds of unworthiness buried far beneath the dark I forgot was there, said otherwise.

I didn’t feel worthy of leaving with anything more than some clothes, kitchen utensils to run my small business, and my bed.

THAT’s what I felt worthy of, and for years I felt like a strong woman for re-kindling my spark, yet simultaneously a victim for having invested so much of my time, love, + energy into a man + marriage that never valued me.

Shadows are sneaky. Wounds are sneaky. Scars are often so deep we don’t realize they are there because, and we cover them with logic.

I don’t blame my ex one bit, because the Universe is set up as one big mirror and for that I’m grateful.

This isn’t a victim story, this is a story about how the pain of dismissal was my mirror for deepening my self love + value.

This is why I can go so deep with my clients, because of my own journey of finding my way through the dark.

THIS is why I’m so intuitive, I had to learn to energetically read a room, at a very young age, to feel safe.

Our pain serves us, but it isn’t until we know that it does that things can change.